LET THEM (Part 2)

It seemed appropriate to add a Part 2 to my analysis of Mel Robbins' book, The Let Them Theory. Part 1 seemed to focus on the first half of the book, so I would like to respond to a concept from the second half, which is much more personal.

In this portion, Mel dives into the world of comparison. Yes, as we all know, "comparison is the thief of joy," but that's only the negative type of comparison- when we measure ourselves against things we can not change (beauty, finances, travels, family life, etc.) and it makes us feel small. Social media does an excellent job of hammering these insecurities home. Satan would love nothing more than to keep us stuck in the quagmire of comparison so we never use whatever gifting that the Lord bestowed upon us! This type of self-defeating, fatalistic comparison is incredibly damaging- it is utterly stagnating- and should be swiftly exterminated the moment it rears its ugly head.

Conversely, the second type of comparison is stimulating. And this is the type I want to address today.

There have been few people in my life who have, quite literally, aggravated me into action. Mel describes it perfectly when she relays a tale of two women- one who successfully launched an upscale design firm, and one who posted a glamorous Instagram site falsely positioning herself as a designer. Both women shared the same social circle, so it aggravated the real designer to no end when the self-proclaimed newcomer was suddenly getting all the attention. The reality is, the person with the glossiest socials "wins," even if their product is inferior. Of course, this is professionally nauseating. But beyond that, it acts a mirror held up to the "real designer" in all of us who (for whatever reason) do not put enough effort into self-promotion.

Yes, Proverbs 27:2 says "let another man praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger and not your own lips." But for the purposes of this argument, I am parsing the difference between prideful self-aggrandizement and smart professional marketing.

I can relate to this story sooooo well. Here's mine.

Many years ago, we were stationed on a military base overseas. Seeing as I had long been a student of photography, my husband upgraded me from an old film camera to a professional grade DSLR so I could better capture the beauty of Japan. I had also become quite adept at Photoshop- shooting editing photos was a huge passion of mine. In fact, I had been practicing photography since I was a child. Not to praise myself, but my skills were demonstrably better than anyone around me, although nobody really knew it.

Our move overseas coincided with the newly come age of digital photography, and since we were in Japan, everyone around me got a camera, too- which means everyone around me was suddenly claiming to be a "photographer." They started charging people exorbitant money to "Stand on the X and smile" and in return, gave them terrible images. Of course, the uneducated public was happy to have any old photo, so I watched in seething fury as innumerable imposters clawed to themselves title that was totally undeserved. Photography was- and always will be- an art form. But in the age of point-and-shoot, my art was completely upended by opportunistic fraudsters. Only a few connoisseurs sought me out intentionally for family portraits because they understood the difference between quantity and quality.

So what's the lesson from this? Well, the me of 15 years ago sat on the sidelines and compared myself insufferably. Of course, I knew that my art was better- what I lacked was confidence. I was afraid to sell myself. I was afraid to make a mistake. What if someone paid me hundreds of dollars for a photoshoot and didn't like the results? Even worse- why didn't I have the boldness to declare my talent in the face of so many who were proclaiming a talent they didn't have? So I watched in misery as the world around me wrote their own false narrative "So-and-so was a professional photographer, and Rachel... was not."

Oh, I could really kick my younger me! But the truth is, it was a big uncomfortable look into my own soul. I didn't value myself, so why should anyone else? I was comparing myself to the TRULY professional photographers I followed- the ones with millions of followers- and was unable to see the quality of my own work. Along came some jokers with more self-confidence (and far less talent) than me; they hung out a shingle and were in business the next day. While I sat mired in envy and self-defeat.

So what's the point?

I learned a very painful lesson during that time. One which Mel Robbins spells out succinctly in her book. Allowing other people's success to paralyze you gives your power away. Comparison, in and of itself, is not the thief, but rather the catalyst. You can mire yourself down in self-defeat or you can use comparison to fuel your passion. In other words, if somebody you know is killing it in life, LET THEM. After all, they're gonna kill it anyways, so why spend any negative energy resenting them? Instead, use your envy & frustration (which is the flip-side of personal desire) to light a fire under your own butt and get moving.

This is not a revolutionary concept, but one I have discovered (after the photography debacle) in more recent years. Perhaps it comes from age- the older I get the less I care what people think-but I have a person in my life I often refer to as my MUSE.

Now, before you start thinking this person is some sort of ethereal inspiration- let me assure you, she is most definitely NOT. So much so, that I actually referring to her as my DARK MUSE, or my negative muse, because she literally aggravates me into action. The funny thing is, she's not in my friend group, my line of work, or pretty much anything in my sphere. But some relationships stretch back through time- what was once safe & healthy grew unbalanced and incrementally toxic. Like the proverbial camel's nose under the tent, I didn't recognize the degree of toxicity until our lives had become inextricably tangled. Much like family, you can't always sever ties- you may even love a someone immensely- but personal hurts seem to abound when toxic people orbit your sphere too closely.

So, for better or for worse, this person has been entwined in my life, and the Lord has used our rocky relationship to teach me many things about myself. Much like the soul-mirror I mentioned earlier, my reaction to her behavior only reveals my own weakness. So, instead of licking my wounds or harboring bitterness, I've learned to use frustration as fuel. Instead of using this gasoline to burn bridges (I've done that in the past, believe me!) I'm using it to rev my engine and run my own race. Or as Mel Robbins would put it- LET THEM, and LET ME.

Whenever my dark muse has achieved some envious success or hurt me personally, though both things sting for a while, they motivate me to STOP giving her power! If I begin to feel paralyzed by jealousy, bitterness or self-defeat, I have learned to reclaim my power and use it for my good. I no longer let her critical words keep me feeling small. The fact is, I don't need her approval- or anyone's but God for that matter- in order to know my own worth. The enemy would love nothing more than for me to be eaten up by comparison. But Jesus would have me forgive and forget- just as he forgives us and remembers our sins no more.

So the last thought I'll leave you with is this- I believe there is a facet of forgiveness accidentally encapsulated by Mel Robbin's LET THEM theory, and it's this: forgiveness truly is about LETTING THEM. Seventy times seven. A person who hurts me will probably always try to hurt me- intentionally or otherwise. A toxic person can only act in their own highest capacity- a capacity which is different than mine. Jesus commands us to love hurtful people anyways- and I DO. However the Lord also has cautioned me to love my toxic friend from a distance for a little while. He told me He was "working on her," and her brokenness wasn't safe for me to hold. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. That day, as I sat weeping in the car from yet another verbal attack, Jesus lovingly released me from the power she held over me- power to hurt me and make me feel small.

Meanwhile, forgiveness is about LETTING her be who she is. And trusting the Lord to do His divine work.

Since that day... long before Mel Robbins ever wrote her book, I discovered the incredible power of the dark muse. In my mind, the freeing act of forgiveness was little more than "LETTING THEM" - giving them permission to be who they are, and giving myself permission to let go of the hurt. It's relinquishing the controls to God- a gentle and passive release that oh so liberating.

The flip side of forgiveness (LET THEM) is LET ME. In essence, LET ME is the actionable part of forgiveness. It's quite literally turning the other cheek and placing your focus elsewhere. Instead of focusing on the frustration, LET ME focus on where I'm going next. After all, where your focus goes, your energy flows. I would rather my energy flow into something positive and productive. And if it takes a dark muse to fuel my gas tank, so be it! Look out world, I'm puttin' pedal to the metal.